i have been distracted for the whole day.
& my distraction? baby's name!

i know i'm not ready to be a mom yet.no, not yet.
besides, our present personal economics don't look too good.
we don't even have our own house yet!
i am only 25 & the list goes on...

but my hubby thinks otherwise.
he think he's old enough to be a father & so on & so forth.

so, i've been thinking names the whole afternoon while on field work. i don't why
girls names are all i've been thinking up.
does it necessarily mean that if ever i get pregnant months from now, it'll be a girl?
Oh, for thinking out loud!!!

i've been crossing my fingers & will continue to do so maybe until next year...

R. L.

Just got off from work.
It's a cold night.the rain has just stopped.
i had a dream early this morning. & it was weird!
i was dreaming about this guy i was interested with way back in college
I know it's sacrilege! being married for 7 months & all! hahaha...

The horrendous part is, i'm liking the feeling after the dream! O shit!
dunno, i really don't know him at all.just his basic info's. don't even know where God put him now. i don't think he even noticed that i exist during those times.
what really got me interested in him is his hands.i like it very much.although he likes rings with sculls, his hands still looks beautiful..

it's the first thing i notice about a man. his hands.
nevermind that his veins on it were about to explode.
God still has a beautiful way of smoothing it out.

the dawn cometh

Wednesday.

Wasn’t able to sleep well last night. Because of my hubby’s nature of work.,
we only see each other on weekends.
So , I am usually on my own on weekdays. Thank God, I have a job
Or else, I’d go mad with frustration & loneliness.

Don’t know why last night didn’t go well. Slept at about 11pm
But woke up around 3am.
So I switched on my dvd player & let the corr’s 1999 MTV Unplugged
Soothe me to sleep.
Still, I was wide awake till 6am

So, I prepared early for work
At least, for a change, I wouldn’t be late again
hehe : p


theopany

some inspiration for a tired & weary soul...

At long last! i finally felt alive lately. hehehe. really shallow of me!
i found this book . i first read it when i was in junior college. now i finally had a copy of my own!
its historical fiction. penned by Emily Hanlon. titled "Petersburg"
up to now, it still feels like i'm breathing the same air they are breathing. like 1905 was just yesterday & that i'm in St. Petersburg, marching with alexei,anna, irina, misha, zhenya.

as if, this year is not 2005. as if, i'm not living in davao city, the best place in southern philippines! (hehehe, luv ur own!) as if, the weather doesn't feel like hell.as if, technology at this pace, doesn't exist.as if, i understand a word of russian.as if, i experienced winter...sigh..and the "as if's" goes on & on.

when the author said that she felt like she just recounted her travels to those places in russia & the scenes are rembrances of the events & the people she met along the way(or something to that effect, i don't have the book while writing this :P) , it was very well said. i felt the same.

mind you, i always have this effect after reading a great book or watching a beautiful movie.& it sometimes last as long as i can remember...

But one thing never has never changed though, whether it's 1905 russia or 2005 philippines, the government sucks!

theopany c",)

Stupid
Sarah Mclachlan
Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling
where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old
familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I
floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places
create
an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

Chorus
Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know
Chorus

There i go..

The past 3 years has been a journey i would probably never forget.
this was the time when i broke my parents hearts when i stepped out of my home of 23 years & lived independently. when i tasted the bitterness of surviving without a decent job. when i fell in love with a man my family & friends are strongly against with. when i got married to the same man without my mothers presence. when i have to learn how to keep my job no matter how difficult it is. when i have to deal with our finances & not be drown with our huge debts. when i have to finally face my mom & apologise for all things,intentional of not, that broke her heart. when i have to start at rock bottom to reconcile with my family knowing that i am the eldest child.when i have to face the consequences of my actions.when i have to understand the why's & how's of married life...

And, to have to learn to keep my individuality despite union with the man i want to grow old with. my college teacher once told me, that i can never have the best of both worlds. but i can make whatever i have the best in my life..

"light headed & tired"

i haven't read a book for like, a month now,that's why i feel dumb & disoriented at times. i'm supposed to be busy working, but decided to have a break first. a change of atmosphere, so to speak.
but constant exposure to this computer really makes me light headed. must be my eyes
this really work for me. it's one way of letting go of all the stress i have in my day.

i still have one burden to tend to.
i need to reconcile with my mom.she may not be happy over my decision of marrying someone she doesn't approve of, but hell, she just have to face it. i feel like i can't procede with my own life, knowing that i & my mom still has that silence hanging between us.
i need to settle it with her also, so life goes on for both of us without hurting each other anymore.

hahaay!