O Lord with me abide...

O Lord with me abide
when other helper's fail
& comforts flee
Help of the helpless
o abide with me
In life , in death, O Lord, abide with me

"As the Crow Flies"
Jeffrey Archer

dragons & life...

Scott Peck once said that the dragon is a mythical creaturethat can be found in many cultures, east & west.It is universal because it symbolizes man- a being capableof extreme evil & extreme good.A snake with wings. Most of us are resigned to slithering through life,weighed down by present exigencies haunted by the past & the future forgetting that we can fly

Youngblood
Philippine Daily Inquirer
March 6, 1998

a new page begins...

just transferred to a new house last sunday dec 04.
another page of my life begins.a new house & a New place.it is also very timely, since new year is coming & this month we'll have our very first wedding anniversary.
i couldn't ask for more...
i am so excited, even though i have problems sleeping this past few days!
i asked my younger sister to stay with me for a while since my hubby is working out of town on weekdays.i don't mind with the set-up. that's what people like us have to contend with just to have money to survive.
i have so much things to do, that it takes me so long to decide what to do first.that's probably normal, just as long as i don't feel idle & opt to sleep instead hehehe

Rudyard Kipling really knows what it feels like

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaste
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run
- Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

anger

I am angry!
And to be angry is human... as padme pointed out to anakin once.
I am angry at myself, at my hubby, at my mediocre life. and i know i'm being stupid for letting the whole world know, as if they give a damn at my pitiful state!

But this blank space before me & this blinking thing seems to be my only solace right now.
I can't even throw a bottle at the wall of my own domicile! what kind of life do i lead if i can't even do the things i want in my own home!
I do such thing. I always hurl my anger at the wall! i feel drowned if i don't feel the sound of lightning crashes.it always feel like hell at the onset of such pain & agony. a place where i have been many times before. maybe i should have my own wailing wall...what do you think dakila?

my life depresses me. I don't know when & how i'll get over this...but it has too end.
Before it's too late...

Uninspired

today's not exactly one of my days. it hasn't been one of my best week so far too...since i turned 26 last sunday.
I feel useless, rotten, dejected...depressed. it feel's like i'm on my own in my own wretched world. my work is of no use. i need a certain amount of motivation to go on with my work...but maybe, just the thought of not having any work or money & be dependent on other people who will only treat you as dirtbag from day 1...now that should do it! That should get me back to my senses!
if only...
why am i always whining & fretting about my wretched life when the "taong-grasa" at the streets don't even give a damn about his! why can't i just be thankful for my life, for my job, for my family, for my hubby and everything! a hard life, it is! (maybe i should just see a shrink, no?)
i've read somehwere that "marriage should not be our sole source of meaning"
then what is? how long will it take for me to find out?
how long will i be blind?
maybe, i really need to see a shrink!

I'm turning 26 in two weeks & i'm trying to assess how far i've gone in this life.
First, i'm 10 months married.no kids yet. I have a day job for almost a year now. I still don't have a house, but me & my hubby are working on it.
oh my! that was it?! hmmm...what could i possibly miss?
yeah, it seems that was just it...so far.

my birthday last year was a disaster! i worked in this travel agency. i really love it there, no matter how tough it can get. i issued open tickets to 3 top honchos of Dole-Stanfilco. they were supposed to come home from manila on my birthdate only to discover i haven't finalized their bloody tickets! one of them called me up & really riled up on me. & i can't do anything because our office is close on saturdays! damned memory of mine! i really cried & panicked to death that i turned off my phone for fear that i'd get reprimanded by the whole Stanfilco staff!
after a while, i went to my mom house. had some pasta & ice cream. that was ok...until...
my hubby (we weren't married yet) & i were to meet at a mall. as usual, i was late & as impatient as he is, he can't seem to overlooked my getting there late! aaawww..c'mon it's my birthday!
It really fouled up our mood for the night even if we have our usual drinking buddies with us!

the next day, i had my hair cut really short! i actually wanted it to be really short, like an inch from my scalp, but the local hairdresser won't have any of it! she thinks i just need some chocolate to lighten me up! "what?!..do i look like a kid to you?! i just turned 25 for crying out loud!," hmph! don't bother!
then, when my hubby saw me, he was upset again! WHY? because of my damned hair!
WHAT IS IT ABOUT OUR HAIR & MEN?! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHY IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL TO THEM?!

it was my last week at the travel agency since i already submitted my resignation & transfer to my new job at Maa. I asked permission from my boss to not show up at monday anymore, but she won't hear any of it. she wants me to exit "gracefully" so to speak! and not only that!
the last errand i did for her agency is to deliver PERSONALLY some plane tickets to Dole-Stanfilco! and not just to leave it at the guardhouse but to personally turn it over to Ms. Smugface, who happens to be the secretary of one of the people who missed their flight home because of me!!! what an impression i may have made! i just wondered that if ever i were to submit my resume at that place, will i ever get hired? hahahaha!

maybe my boss just knew better during that time. maybe she just doesn't want me to have ill feelings for the agency as i make my exit. maybe she just doesn't want me to hate the people i work with and to make peace with the people i've made unintentional major inconveniences...

What a way to ruffle my feathers!

My korean inspiration!

eversince i saw him in "Winter Sonata" in prime time tv, he's been an ispiration so far.not only does he symbolize everything beautiful but he also leads people to a new korea...they may not exaclty be at peace with their "other half nation" but there hardwork is paying off

they are so proud of their country. one proof of this is the sweeping cinematography of their countryside that are always present in their films.I admire the way they view their life...simple yet alive.

i know there's more to my country than meets the eye. she is beautiful than the whole korean peninsula combined. It is her people that destroys whatever she has.It is her people that stands devided & obscured from progress.It is her people that scrambles & fight for whatever little scraps that falls off the table.

my country has had it shares of trials & tribulations, i just hope & pray that after each disaster, a new hope & stength radiates from within to enable us to rise out of the ashes time & time again.

Dead nationalism!

I don't know what my country really wants!
it's needs/desires were so muddled up & confusing!
it's no wonder the international community been looking at us down for being so
divided!

I am just a mere mortal with an average life supported by a minimum wage income in a world of skyrocketing basic commodity prices!
how in the hell will i ever survive?!

i really love the idea of being in the sky above the malacanang palace with a super duper huge megaphone & scream at the top of my lungs "WHAT'S GOING ON????!!!!!!"
wishful thingking...

But thinking along JFK's famous line about what should i give my country & not the other way around?
i'd rather do it silently than call for a press conference to announce to the entire nation my latest "goodworks"

when will we ever learn?

i have been distracted for the whole day.
& my distraction? baby's name!

i know i'm not ready to be a mom yet.no, not yet.
besides, our present personal economics don't look too good.
we don't even have our own house yet!
i am only 25 & the list goes on...

but my hubby thinks otherwise.
he think he's old enough to be a father & so on & so forth.

so, i've been thinking names the whole afternoon while on field work. i don't why
girls names are all i've been thinking up.
does it necessarily mean that if ever i get pregnant months from now, it'll be a girl?
Oh, for thinking out loud!!!

i've been crossing my fingers & will continue to do so maybe until next year...

R. L.

Just got off from work.
It's a cold night.the rain has just stopped.
i had a dream early this morning. & it was weird!
i was dreaming about this guy i was interested with way back in college
I know it's sacrilege! being married for 7 months & all! hahaha...

The horrendous part is, i'm liking the feeling after the dream! O shit!
dunno, i really don't know him at all.just his basic info's. don't even know where God put him now. i don't think he even noticed that i exist during those times.
what really got me interested in him is his hands.i like it very much.although he likes rings with sculls, his hands still looks beautiful..

it's the first thing i notice about a man. his hands.
nevermind that his veins on it were about to explode.
God still has a beautiful way of smoothing it out.

the dawn cometh

Wednesday.

Wasn’t able to sleep well last night. Because of my hubby’s nature of work.,
we only see each other on weekends.
So , I am usually on my own on weekdays. Thank God, I have a job
Or else, I’d go mad with frustration & loneliness.

Don’t know why last night didn’t go well. Slept at about 11pm
But woke up around 3am.
So I switched on my dvd player & let the corr’s 1999 MTV Unplugged
Soothe me to sleep.
Still, I was wide awake till 6am

So, I prepared early for work
At least, for a change, I wouldn’t be late again
hehe : p


theopany

some inspiration for a tired & weary soul...

At long last! i finally felt alive lately. hehehe. really shallow of me!
i found this book . i first read it when i was in junior college. now i finally had a copy of my own!
its historical fiction. penned by Emily Hanlon. titled "Petersburg"
up to now, it still feels like i'm breathing the same air they are breathing. like 1905 was just yesterday & that i'm in St. Petersburg, marching with alexei,anna, irina, misha, zhenya.

as if, this year is not 2005. as if, i'm not living in davao city, the best place in southern philippines! (hehehe, luv ur own!) as if, the weather doesn't feel like hell.as if, technology at this pace, doesn't exist.as if, i understand a word of russian.as if, i experienced winter...sigh..and the "as if's" goes on & on.

when the author said that she felt like she just recounted her travels to those places in russia & the scenes are rembrances of the events & the people she met along the way(or something to that effect, i don't have the book while writing this :P) , it was very well said. i felt the same.

mind you, i always have this effect after reading a great book or watching a beautiful movie.& it sometimes last as long as i can remember...

But one thing never has never changed though, whether it's 1905 russia or 2005 philippines, the government sucks!

theopany c",)

Stupid
Sarah Mclachlan
Night lift up the shades let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now for I am weak and starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unraveling
where we went wrong
And all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old
familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool set me on fire and watched as I
floundered
unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer
and you come around in your time speaking of fabulous places
create
an oasis that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

Chorus
Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
In the deep of my weakness I know
Chorus

There i go..

The past 3 years has been a journey i would probably never forget.
this was the time when i broke my parents hearts when i stepped out of my home of 23 years & lived independently. when i tasted the bitterness of surviving without a decent job. when i fell in love with a man my family & friends are strongly against with. when i got married to the same man without my mothers presence. when i have to learn how to keep my job no matter how difficult it is. when i have to deal with our finances & not be drown with our huge debts. when i have to finally face my mom & apologise for all things,intentional of not, that broke her heart. when i have to start at rock bottom to reconcile with my family knowing that i am the eldest child.when i have to face the consequences of my actions.when i have to understand the why's & how's of married life...

And, to have to learn to keep my individuality despite union with the man i want to grow old with. my college teacher once told me, that i can never have the best of both worlds. but i can make whatever i have the best in my life..

"light headed & tired"

i haven't read a book for like, a month now,that's why i feel dumb & disoriented at times. i'm supposed to be busy working, but decided to have a break first. a change of atmosphere, so to speak.
but constant exposure to this computer really makes me light headed. must be my eyes
this really work for me. it's one way of letting go of all the stress i have in my day.

i still have one burden to tend to.
i need to reconcile with my mom.she may not be happy over my decision of marrying someone she doesn't approve of, but hell, she just have to face it. i feel like i can't procede with my own life, knowing that i & my mom still has that silence hanging between us.
i need to settle it with her also, so life goes on for both of us without hurting each other anymore.

hahaay!

what a life!

i'm having a difficult time here.
& my sister said it's super user friendly! what a life!

I'm so super confused.aarrggh!

Haha, i am so darn confused!
or maybe it just my brains! i've been udjusting my page for more than an hour now & still there are no results.huhuhu!
what a life!
sorry if this post is too shallow to be even posted! whaaaa!

"Same Ground" by Kitchie Nadal

My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.

Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would've
wanted
'til there was you.
cause i have learned that love is beyond
what human can imagine,
the more it clears the more i gotta let you go.

CHORUS:
that's why i don't understand that's why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and
lied.
but why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?

My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.

Self-denial is a game
Its strange i never would've
wanted til there was you.
cause i have learned that love is a
word gets thrown a little bit too much.
the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
i have never ever have to fail

(repeat Chorus 2x)
If all else fail, would you be there to love me?
When all else fail, would you be brave to see right
through me?